Anticipation.

Many women never notice the intricate relationship they have with their wombs when awaiting a baby-I can't help but notice mine, as we have been arguing heatedly recently. See, a situation we were hoping to avoid arose this weekend, one which put me back on the "trying to hold out" path in terms of giving birth, and one which unfortunately has put a slight taint on my relationship with my midwives.
My two primary midwives, whom I adore beyond expression, both women who respect and care for me as more than a "client" but as a part of their community, are wonderful. I trust them implicitly and have been anticipating another pregnancy and birth in their care since Morgan was born. Throghout this pregnancy, though, there have been hiccups in my care, all tied to the fact the many more women are seeking out of hospital birth-which is wonderful, but is taxing the birth center and the midwives who work there to their limits. Many woman who want birth OOH aren't ready to take the plunge all the way to homebirth, they want a happy medium-and there just aren't enough freestanding birth centers. So the midwives are stuck in a pickle-do they turn women away to better concentrate their time on the ones who got there first, do they take them all and kill themselves with sleep deprivation, or do they try to expand their services by hiring more midwives? After trying the second option and deciding they really didn't like it (from 4-9 births a week, which doesn't sound like much if you aren't familiar with midwifery-but midwives stay with their clients throughout labor and delivery-so if 5 clients labor 10 hrs each, plus 4 hrs post-partum care, the midwife is putting in 70 hrs not including their clinic visits during business hrs--they were dying), they hired a new midwife into their practice. My issue is that I did not know this was happening until I was 3 months into my pregnancy-didn't meet the new recruit until 19 wks, and have only seen her 3 times. Add to the pot that every visit with her has revolved around bad news (preterm contrax, anemia, pre-eclampsia scare) and the fact that her personality isn't one I would have chosen in a midwife, and there was no way we could form a good relationship. So long story short, she's a "junior" member of the team, offering back-up support to the other two and being on call herself only every third weekend. I discussed my discomfort with the idea of her attending the birth with the other two, and both were confident it needn't be worried about as she's on call so little, and that they work extra hard to make sure one of them were with me instead-one even went to the extra length of giving me her personal number so I could contact her directly if the new gal were on call.
So here's the issue-new gal is on call this weekend, and the other two are not available (well, if I were to go later this evening I could probably get one of them, but it would be a hardship for her). Other issue-my body is trying to go into labor.
The whole thing just stinks. I chose midwifery care, and these midwives in particular, because I wanted to attention and care that they provide-they come to know you, to care about you, knowing that a loving, trusting relationship with your cargiver makes for healthier pregnancies and births. The whole thing seems even more crazy when I think back to Garrett's birth and the doc who attended it-a total stranger to me who came in at 9 cm and left right after I was cleaned up. I never saw her again. At the time that didn't seem like too big a deal, I had really wanted my own doc, but knew there was a good chance I wouldn't get her. It hasn't been until the last few years that I've realized how much it did affect me to have a total stranger touching me in the way a caregiver must to assist a baby out. I felt very self-conscious, I forced myself to not make any noise, I didn't interact with her at ALL, not even to tell her when she was hurting me. And she was a nice lady! But I meet nice ladies all the time, and don't let them catch my babies.
Fortunately it looks like we're going to be able to hold off for the rest of today, and hopefully have a wonderful birth in the next day or two-but that won't completely take away the anxiety and tension I've gone through the last couple of days, stress that really isn't good for either me or the baby. I don't know if I've explained this well enough for those of you reading to really see where I'm coming from, as it really might seem like I'm making a big deal out of nothing. What it comes down to is choice. I've learned the impoortance of exercising your right to choose in regards to birth, and by having this woman thrust on me, that right has been taken away. This is never supposed to happen with good midwifery care (yes, there is poor midwifery care-that's why it's important to be able to choose your practitioner), and it has left me with a really foul taste in my mouth which upsets me even more as I never like to be upset with the people I care about (meaning the primary midwives).
So, back to my initial statement-I am arguing with my womb, but I think I have it convinced that waiting a bit longer will be in both of our best interests. And if it doesn't happen, and I have the baby tonight with the new gal, I'll work with it-I have surrounded myself with a wonderful birth team all sensitive to the situation who will do their utmost to protect my space-but I'd rather that not be the focus. I'd much rather everybody be able to enjoy the journey and welcome the baby in peace and love. But that will happen anyway, right?
And now I feel obliged, after dumping so much me-focused rhetoric, to share some of the antics of the OTHER members of my family. Garrett is teaching everyone to play chess. I'd love to leave it at that and allow everyone to assume this is just another layer of his brilliance-after all, he's taught himself addition, subtraction, and multiplication (along with some simple algebra), it isn't that much of a stretch to think he's a blooming chess prodigy, right?
Except he can't remember how to play. He knows how to set up the board, and that pawns move forward and rooks move up and back. He knows you have to capture the king. That's about it. Today he played with my dad. I can't even describe how the "game" went, except to say that is was hysterical--he made up the rules as they went, even capturing a few of his own men by mistake. But he doesn't change his rules--once he's given the instruction, he sticks to it (it doesn't have to make any sense). He's a very patient teacher, with no tolerance for cheating. And remarkabley, I believe Dad beat him. I don't think even Dad knows how that happened, but Garrett was very happy for him.