Random Things

1.  This is not a Tale of Fourty-Four Rats. Get over it. It's all about the anticipation.

2.  Garrett just finished 2nd grade, Morgan finished Kindergarten, and Kiera finished all the snacks in the house.

3.  We have had our dog Bree for a year now.  We left her for the first time recently.  When the dog sitter (whom she knows) showed up to get her, she refused to get off the couch.  All day.  We had to call another friend and ask if they could please go to our house and try to get our neurotic dog off the couch and outside to pee. That was an odd conversation. Luckily they were up for the challenge, and she was so happy to see them, they took her home with them.  Now she thinks they walk on water.

4.  Morgan one "Best in Show" at the science fair.  I don't know if she was more excited about the distinguishmend or the fancy blue and purple ribbon. 

5.  Kiera just turned three which means she'd five which means she can do whatever she wants because she's a big girl.  But then, she was born thinking that.

6.  I planted all my seeds early this year.  Our spring had been so lousy all my little seedlings are dying in their trays because they haven't grown enough to plant in the ground. That makes me sad.

7.  I have cultivated a big enough strawberry patch that yesterday I was able to pick a pint and a half of strawberries. That makes me happy.

8.  Caterpillars don't actually sprout wings when they become butterflies, they dissolve into a pile of goo and the butterfly grows out of the goo's DNA.

9.  I asked Garrett what else I should post here. He said to tell you we have games, and furtniture, and carpets and stuff. Oh, and pets and plants.

10.  Now that school is out we get to start having weekly Family Dinners with our friends. Patch Adams has ten rules for a long and happy life, and one of them is to have potluck dinners with your neighbors once a week.  They may not live on our street, but they're our peeps, they support us when we need it, and they make killer food. Everybody should be having Family Dinners.

Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

It's been over a year since I posted anything here. So? What?! That's what I thought. Maybe I did it on purpose. Maybe it just made you miss me, and made this post that much more precious to you. SEE? I did it for YOU.

The year between my last real post (Changing Focus) and this last Spring was pretty hard for us. I didn't go into details in that post about what the issues we were having were, as it was really too painful and traumatic to discuss-and still sometimes is-but I think most anyone interested in us enough to read this blog already knows anyway.  We were investigated by CPS for child neglect after refusing a Tetatus shot for Kiera (when she really didn't need one, and we could prove it-but CPS doesn't care about proof, they care about their stats and will always take the word of a doctor over a parent's proof.  I compiled a report and everything, as far as I know no one even looked at it.  Not to mentiont that we have a constitutional right to refuse any medical treatment for our children).  We dropped over a grand on an attorney, spent countless hours compiling information and doing research, gathered dozens of letters from friends and family extolling the many and varied glories of our parenting abilities, and none of it mattered. We were given a "choice"-take her in for the shot (on day 21 of a 21 day window), or be found guilty and, as out attorney phrased it, "be thrown into a level of hell you cannot imagine."  Given how hellish everything already was, we didn't feel we could subject the kids to any more-so in order to protect the family as a whole, we had to throw our poor baby (who had as of then never had a shot) under the bus.  The real kicker is that the shot they required was a TIG (tetanus immunoglobuin), which is supposed to protect an unimmunized person until the Tetanus shot it effective (all vaccines take 3-4 to offer protection, so running in to get a Tetanus shot the day of an injury is not protecting you).  The TIG protects you (supposedly) for about 28 days, so given with a Tetanus shot, you're supposed to be covered.  That's the standard protocol.  I knew this, Troy knew this, our attorney knew this. 

They never made us give her a Tetanus shot.

Nothing they did to us had anything to do with her well-being.  Nobody checked the medical protocal.  I think the doctor was so shocked at how crazy it all got, he just told them she had to have that shot so he didn't have to admit he messed up.  If she'd actually been exposed to Tetanus, she'd be dead now (according to the doc-he told us when children get Tetanus, they die.  I later found that it's been over 50 years since a child has died from Tetanus in the US--it's a long recovery, but they recover).  And WE were the ones being charged with neglect. 

I (surprise surprise) am a very sensitive person.  Sensitive to all things, good and bad--so sometimes being sensitive is great. An aunt once told me, "You feel things more deeply than most people." How can that be bad, right?  I still can't talk about this experience calmly.  It is etched in my soul.  Seriously folks, the first three times people knocked on our door after the CPS agent came, I made the kids lay down so no one would see us through the windows and prayed they'd just go away.  I now have a deep anxiety of medical caregivers--even taking the kids to a naturapathic clinic for well-child checks gave me the shakes and heart palpitations.  The first time I talked to our midwife about it in person (two months after), I sobbed the whole time, and told her I was just so tired and devoid of a want to DO anything, and she said, "well of course, you're depressed.  It's the worst thing any of our clients has ever been put through" It was the first anyone outside the experience had acknowledged how very very very bad it was (everyone knew it was bad, but it's hard to really understand HOW bad), and the first time I allowed myself to see how deep it had gotten into me. 

Add all of that to the tremendous pile of s@#* Troy was being pushed through at work, and it really took us about a year to get back to feeling any kind of normal. I can't tell you how many times I opened Blogger, stared at it pondering all the things I could write, and then just closed it because I couldn't find it in me to care.  But now his six-day work weeks and 12 hour days are behind him, his uber-evil boss had to leave the company, he's working less than five minutes from home, and he comes home for lunch almost every day.  The kids are thriving, our pet population gives us all someone to pet and cuddle, and summer is taunting us from behind the rain clouds.  (Seriously summer, you're very funny, but it's time to come out now.  Now.)  I feel like last year's experiences were like a wall between me and my creativity, and now that I've gotten this off my chest I can return to a blog filled with humorous antics and adorable pictures-because really, if all my posts were like this, none of ya's would want to keep reading it.

Stay tuned for next time, when I tell the Tale of Fourty-Four Rats.  Though I should probably post some pictures of Kiera's birthday first. Somehow I don't think I can wind the two into one post....but it might be fun to try.....

Random Things

*Yup, also a year old. Aged for better flavor.*

1. We kept the entire house clean for almost a month. That, my friends, it a record. Unfortunately the house is fighting back.
2. Fruit flies only love blackberry mojitos when you are drinking them, not when you use the mojito as a trap.
3. We took the side of Kiera's crib, magically creating a "big girl bed." This is day two, and she's realized not only can she get in and out when she wants, she can do it any TIME she wants. Just caught her sneaking down the hallway with two snackbars in hand (one for Morgan, I presume, as that's the door she was headed for).
4. We got a dog. She's very sweet, and very well behaved, and came to us from a family who moved to England and could not take her with them. Her name is Bree, and she runs so fast we've knicknamed her "Rocketdog."
5. I haven't attended a birth for several months for a number of reasons-and now am waiting on a momma who's 5 days "overdue." I hope she goes before they want to induce her.
6. I gave Troy a month of fencing lessons (as a refreshser) for his birthday, which he just finished. He's covered in bruises. Last night I dreamt I got to go with him, and ended up fencing our old instructor in my mother's living room. I was terrible. He beat me defeated me soundly, and then wouldn't speak to me as he was too dissappointed in my atrophied fencing abilities. And I somehow bent my blade into an "s."
7. I had to do a two week gluten trial in preparation for blood tests for Celiac disease. I have been sick for three weeks as a result. If the test comes back negative and I have to do another gluten trial for a different test, I may punch my ND in the face. Which is too bad, because he's a nice guy.
8. Morgan wants to try tap dancing. She would like the instructor to show her how to do a flip in the air and land on her taps. I say go for it.
9. Garrett has finally mastered his new big bike. He looks too small to be riding it, but by gum, he can do it!
10. Morgan finally figured out how to swim.
11. We have been camping twice this summer, both times with wonderful friends in cool places. I really love camping.
12. We have a new front porch. It's very pretty and has the added benefit of not being on the verge of collapse.

And now some pictures:

We're still here.

*Yes, this post is a year old.Yes it has typos. I don't care-I enjoyed re-reading it and thought it unfair to condemn it to a lifetime of being a "draft".*

I think of things to post here all the time. I think about how I'd like to write them, what pictures to attach, who might read them, and then I think about how long it would take.....and I wander away to do something else. Hopefully I'll be able to convince myself to do more spontaeous posting, and remind myself that no one really cares how polished my posts are (right?).

We've been having a very active summer, as usual, though not necessarily in the ways we'd like. Thus far we've crested the 80 degree mark maybe, um, twice? Not cool. Well, actually, too cool. We haven't been able to get much of a garden planted, and haven't started working on the playhouse we're going to build out of the scrap wood from the front porch. We DID tear down our old front porch (don't worry, we replaced it with a new one). Thanks mostly to my father, we now have a lovely, slightly larger, lovely, not tottering, lovely, nobody has to worry about putting their foot through a step porch. It's lovely. It's not stained yet, which is a problem, but we're getting there-we bought the stain and everything. I took lots of progess shots, but I can't find them. Imagine a rotten, falling apart porch. Then imagine a fresly built not falling apart porch.

Kier turned two in June, and wants to make sure everyone knows it-if she survives to be three we should all be awarded medals. She's fantastic, and incredibley smart, but I'm convinced she is going to kill one of us with her antics. Yesterday she dissappeared from the blanket next to me at the park (she can teleport)-we went on full alert, many grownups and children scouring the area for her. We found her, shoes off, nonshallantly climbing into Lake Washington. She was going to visit the duck-ducks. She can also walk into the kitchen at any given time and return with a bag of raisins. Even if we don't have any.

Morgan and Garrett just completed their season for track and field (the Renton city team), and have so many ribbons we could reshingle the house with them. They get ribbons for every event, not matter what. At their last meet Morgan won the covetted pink ribbon-she has not a care for the number on it. She hadn't won a pink one yet.

Last week my neice came and stayed with us for the first time independent of her family. She's twelve, and wants badly to be 7 and 17 simultaneously. We thorougly enjoyed having her-and now I have a stronger case as I try to persuade Troy to adopt a teenager. A responsible one. With a driver's license.

Last week we also had our 2nd annual camping trip to Moran State Park with dear friends. And deer friends. Moran is on Orcas Island, in the San Juans. It's a magical place. Seriously, the minute I get off the ferry, I feel better--even if I wasn't feeling bad to begin with. Maybe it just resonates with the island girl trapped inside me, yearning for the laid-back friendly life of those surrounded by the ocean.

Changing Focus

It is so easy to become overtaken by a particular thing and in the process loose focus on what we really want to be looking at. This last week I was forced to loose my focus. I was forced to send my energy away from my family, away from my community, away from my daughter's fifth birthday. I was forced to be completely overtaken by something I'd rather have never experienced, something that will be with me the remainder of my days-tainting my vision and interfering with my ability to focus on the things that actually matter.

Morgan turned five yesterday. She is an amazing person, with a gentle spirit and overzealous self-expression--she contradicts herself and discovers some pretty interesting things through the course of trying to be two ways at once. She is smart and very imaginative, and is realizing that she actually enjoys the dancing part of her ballet classes as much as the playing part so is beginning to show some excellent self-control and discipline in practicing her movements (at least as much as a five year old can control herself). Today she got to be in charge of opening the door at the end of class as a reward for her hard work. This was a BIG deal. We cut her hair a couple of weeks ago, and her new shorter style only accentuates her advancing age. She loves to entertain (as she's been showing us since infancy) and has embraced her big sister role in the care she shows Kiera-always initiating games with her, tailoring them to Kiera's interests and abilities.

Today I have a five year old, and I am choosing to change my focus. I refuse to continue to waste it on something ugly when I have something so beautiful and so very, very much more deserving.

Kiera's Birth Story

For anyone who's interested, I finally wrote Kiera's birth story. I posted it on her birthdate, so if you go back to June 15th, 2009, there it'll be. It's very long, but pretty cool. I enjoyed writing it, and really encourage all mothers to do the same-regardless of how long it has been. You remember things, and realize things, and it's neat for them to read when they're older. Anyway, enjoy.

Little Witchlet

Halloween was a little hectic this year, due partially to my tendency to procrastinate and partially to my dearest bestest friend deciding to have her first baby that weekend (which we will forgive her for, because it was super-exciting). That made an impact on Halloween because I was her doula, and so was with her from 1 AM Sat morning until about noon on Sunday (see the pic above? That's how my face looked in every picture. The longer I'm at a birth, the harder it is to change my expression). Luckily I had enough warning to put the finishing touches on the kids' costumes Friday evening, so they were ready to hit the pavement Sat afternoon for the annual Olde Time Trick-or-treat in downtown Renton.

My husband can be a real stick-in-the-mud. He is a homebody, and comfortable with that, but bless him, when I am at a birth he really tries to kick it up a notch for the kids. When I knew I would be gone Saturday, I really thought that the kids would just have to miss the Halloween pre-funk this year. Sometimes I really don't give him enough credit. He didn't make it to the Boo carnival that morning, mainly because the kids were a little rowdy (that happens when they wake up to find me gone unexpectedly), but he pulled it together, despite it being close to lunchtime, despite the need for naps, and despite the POURING rain, he got everyone dressed up, buckets in hand, and a'-treating they did go!

All three of the kids looked great (no pics of the pre-funk, the camera was with me), and I am particularly proud of Kiera's costume. It was simple, leggings and a short she already had, and a tutu and cape I made (and of course a broom and hat), but she OWNED it. Goodness me, that girl can strut. With bucket in hand she marched straight into each establishment (and the next night, each house), hand outstretched, commanding, "aaaannnddd!!" Lord forbid if the giver of candy tried to put it in her bucket instead of her hand.

Halloween night (after getting home at 2:30 and sleeping until 5), we piled into costumes again and headed to our friends' house for their wicked awesome haunted house (their neighborhood is better for treating, to). Kiera knew what we were about before we were even fully out of the car-we had to chase her out of someone's yard on the way to the Schlegel's. She was READY. And just you try to take her pumpkin bucket away-so what if it weighs 8 pounds? That's her CANDY Jack, MITTS OFF!

Garrett loves to help scare at the Schlegel's

Morgan even got in on the House-she hosted a touch box game and managed to look mighty creepy doing it, pristine bridal attire and all (and can I just say, I really thought it would be awhile before I had to make her a veil).

SOOOO CUTE! Of course, I don't yet have a pic of her with all her parts, but you get the idea.

Little Witchlet

That's my handsome husband going after the ankles of passers-by. He LOVES doing this.

Random things....

• I have been putting off a new blog post for so long, I don't even know where to begin.
• Summer ended Monday. Just ended.
• Kiera started walking in July. She just decided one day that she didn't need to crawl anymore, so she didn't.
• Kiera started standing on the coffee table last week. She thinks it's terribley hilarious and laughs like a cheeky little monkey when I catch her at it. I often come into the room to find Garrett and Morgan engaged in table activities, with her sitting in the middle of them-on the table.
• We managed to go camping twice this summer. THAT my friends, is a record.
• Garrett and I did not get our playhouse built. That makes me sad.
• Morgan has a bright future in musical theater-whilst camping last weekend, the musical theater teacher from our HOME program (who hosted the campout) observed her, during a game of charades, announce "OK, now, is everyone looking at me??" Mrs. B can't wait for her to be old enough to join her class.
• We went on many adventures this summer-but alas, none of them included bike riding. I haven't lost hope.
• Speaking of bike riding, Garrett can now ride a bike. He saw some friends doing it, decided he wanted to, and did. As far as I know he's never had a fall. He astounds me.
• Speaking of Garrett astounding me, he also learned how to swim-using the same tactic. He could be a spokeskid for Nike-Just Do It
• Troy got to ride Shotgun on the Wells Fargo stagecoach in the Mercer Island parade this year. Last year he had to ride inside. Being up on top again made him very happy.
• School starts Monday. I am teaching 4 different subjects, and am not quite sure how that happened or what I've gotten myself into.
• My first sibling birth (meaning second baby with same clients) will be happening in the next couple of weeks, and I am so excited-I love that they enjoyed me enough to use me again, and that I already have such a bond with them. And she just texted me with a good progress report from her doc, so maybe sooner rather than later (but don't tell her I said that ;)!
• My sister went to Disneyland last weekend and had an awesome time--now I can't stop thinking about going.
• My yard is so nitrogen rich that I have the most beautiful looking veggie plants in the neighborhood-but they don't produce any veggies. I suppose we'll have to bite the bullet next year and build raised beds.
• Garrett has decided to be a wizard. He's going to be Harry Potter for Halloween. He has a wand and everything. He goes around the house casting spells, and then asking me why I think they aren't working. He has determined that, due to a small crack in the tip of his wand, that the dragon heart string inside is bent and thus cannot conduct magic properly. He believes that when we fix it, his spells will be successful. I do NOT want to fix it.
• Hot peppermint tea reduces fevers. Cold peppermint tea does not, but is a diuretic. Go figure.
• I want to be in a flash mob. A really good one.
• Troy and I are going to take a trapeze class. I CAN NOT WAIT.
• I have been taking hot yoga. I had to stop after injuring my foot. Tonight I will go again for the first time in two weeks. I did not think it humanly possible to produce THAT MUCH perspiration without turning into a giant prune. Which reminds me, I should drink some water.
• Kiera can say done, cat, Bumble (one of our cats), mama, boom-boom (to nurse), mum-mum (to eat), no (all the time), Ga (Garrett), and runs to the kitchen when she hears the garage door, where she bounces and giggles until Troy comes in the back door. Unless he takes too long, then she wanders off and ignores him. She will also hold out her hand, say "aaannnd" very slowly and quietly, and expect me to give her whatever I happen to have. She gets this from me asking her to "put it in my hand."

She went and did it.

Yup, she did it. She turned one. I told her it wasn't a good idea, encouraged her to embrace her youth, whimpered how mommy would miss her widdle baby, all to no avail. She just went and did it anyway. Kids today. Sheesh.

As with her older siblings, Kiera has had a birthday luau in the works since before she was born. In the cold, wet, sometimes dreary Seattle weather, I love this one tie to my beloved Hawaii-love it so much I torture myself with weeks of planning, shopping, planning, making invitations, planning, ordering, and planning, all capped off with three solid days of cooking.

Getting things set up, bday girl asleep on my back

For those who aren't in the "know," it's tradition in Hawaii to throw a big luau for your baby's first birthday--this is left over from the days when babies had to work pretty hard to survive that first year, and doing so was cause for celebration. Depressing, yes, but still a great reason to eat too much food! Also, for those who haven't had the pleasure of experiencing a real Hawaiian luau (meaning in somebody's backyard), you probably won't find "grass" skirts, definitely no coconut bras, an MC or fire knife dancers. It's all about the food. You make lots of it and you eat allllll day. We do it up cheesy tourist style with our decorations, cause it's fun-but we still focus mainly on the food. Kahlua pig, shoyu chicken, chicken longrice, baked beans, potato mac salad, fried rice with portugeuse sausage, sticky rice, fruit, and some veggies for you mainland people who think that should be part of a meal (drooling yet? No? Then it's time to discuss the guava-infused yellow cake with cream cheese/whipped cream frosting and guava gel on top, or how about the chocolate haupia layered cake with coconut cream frosting? How 'bout now?)

And man, was it good food (if I do say so myself). Poor Kiera didn't even end up eating any of it, aside from her little cake.

Grandma, Papa, Sk8tr and Kiera at the cheesy tourist photo op-they and my sister's family drove up CA

All in all, it was a very successful party-we even almost started on time (if I hadn't tried to pare things down by only buying 3 water pans and then forgotten to get a 4th (for the hot food chaffing stands), thus requiring Troy to run to the party store for another while the guests were arriving). Kiera had fun seeing all her people (I really do think she believes we all belong to her in some capacity), though I could tell she was trying to figure out what they were all doing at the park. My favorite part of the event was, hands down, the lei making. I got this idea in my head a couple months ago and while it was a bit of a pain to organize and the flowers I wanted were super-perishable which was tricky as the party was on Sunday and FedEx doesn't deliver Sunday so we got them Sat and they were late which made me nervous and I had to just lift the cooler lid really fast to peek and make sure everything was there before rushing them into the cold basement to sit overnight because there was no refrigerator space due to the growing quantities of food and we just prayed they would make it to the party still pretty which they did so WHEW!! Feel my anxiety?

So worth it, though. One guest told her daughter, who was hesitant, the she needed to make a lei because "when will you ever get this opportunity again?" So cool. The smell was heaven, and Morgan and I got to wear "real Hawaiian flower necklaces" (as Garrett calls them) and flowers in our hair when we danced later (she did Pearly Shells, so cute). Talk about the memories......ok, I'm back.

We all had much fun, and were fortunate enough to have beautiful weather (until cleanup time, when a frigid nasty wind kicked up and nearly stole my pa'u skirt). Kiera had a ball wiping every last speck of frosting from her cake, of which we have no pictures-my sister has some, and Uncle Dewey, I know you have some to! When we get copies of those, we'll get them posted.

Troy's family, who drove from far away

Finally, the birthday girl on her actual birthday (Tuesday), eager to get her fingers into her cupcake (she recognized the frosting).

Happy Birthday my sweet baby, the day you were born was possibly the most perfect day I will ever have. You brought together nearly all of my favorite people, and sharing your arrival with your father, brother, and sister was beyond sublime-an experience none of us will ever forget. When you are 16 and tired of hearing that, be patient. The day your family is born you will understand.

A Summary of Recent Events

• Garrett's arm was broken at school. He spent 6 weeks in 3 different casts, and is now finally fiberglass-free. He (and we) is very happy.
• We have doubled our rat population-a family at school needed to rehome theirs, as they had discovered their son was allergic. So their two girls (and their giant ratty skyscraper) came to live with our two girls. It has been very interesting watching them establish a pecking order (unfortunately Emily Dickinson-so named for her shy, homebody nature-my personal sweetheart, has landed on the bottom of the totem pole--she will be getting some special attention). They are all very sweet and well behaved, and after we've had some more time to train them they will be great pocket pets.
• Kiera has realized she can stand alone. She is THRILLED, but nervous about it. As soon as she shakes her jitters, I am sure she will take off walking. Here's hoping she stays nervous for awhile.
• Kiera was 11 months old yesterday. Yikes.
• Morgan has adopted a super-hero princess persona. This requires the wearing of pretty gowns AND capes. A biproduct of having an older brother, I think.
• We have planted many things for the summer, but have yet to get them in the ground. They have outgrown their seed trays, and are not happy about it.
• We planted an apple tree in the back yard. It grows 5 different varieties of apples.
• Troy is asleep on the sofa. His mouth is hanging open, and it's making him have obnoxious cartoonish breathing.
• In fact, everyone in the house is resting. Except me. I'm blogging.
• I am on-call for my first clients since I was pg w/Kiera. I'm anxious, but excited-she's "overdue" and could call any time.
• The school year is almost over which is wierd because I feel like I'm just getting into the swing of it.
• I made ridiculously good brownies and can't stop eating them.
• My parents have, in the last month, acquired 6 goats and a hive of bees.
• Garrett has taken to reading Morgan stories in the evening. I can't watch, because it's so sweet I'll start to cry.
• I am always humbled by the kindess and generosity of the people we know. I do not always feel I deserve it, often can't repay it, and am anxious for the day when my own time is less full and I can turn to someone else who's hands are always full of projects and young children, occupy said children for awhile and give HER flowers and candy.
• My K-1 math class hosted a lemonade stand at school-they planned it, prepped it, squeezed the lemons (I mixed it), sold it, made change (whether it was needed or not), and earned $60-they overshot their goal by more than double. They were raising money for prizes for the games they would host at the Gratitude Gala for school (last Fri), which were a huge success. They wanted everyone to earn a prize no matter what. I am very proud of them.
• There has been roadwork outside our house for the last week. They ripped a huge ditch alllll the way up the hill. They knocked on our door every morning at 7:30 to tell me to move my car before they completely blocked our driveway and house. They were noisy. They made our house shake and the things on our shelves rattle. I was proactive one night and moved the car ahead of time. The next day, they didn't block our driveway. They blocked the alley where I'd left our car.

Easter morning

Sadly, I forgot my camera when we went to the Stein's in the afternoon for egg-hunting, but here are the shots we took prior--our traditional Easter morning goody hunt (we don't fill the baskets, we hide the stuff throughout the house and they have to find it), brunch with the Easter Bunny, and our attempt at getting all three kids looking at the camera at the same time.

Kiera among the bunnies. They have been given many, many bunnies.

Morgan insisted their dresses match. Not coordinate. Match.


Our favorite in-town family resteraunt, Plum Delicious, invites the Bunny to brunch every year. The kids got to pick eggs from his basket. Morgan got a $5 coupon, and Garrett won a free meal!

I didn't bother rearraning the photos (blogger always loads them wrong) so this is earlier in the morning, as the kids were finding their goodies.

Kiera WANTS!!

Alright, this isn't Easter-just really cute.

About Kiera...

So much has happened in the last several weeks that I couldn't possibly put it all in one post, so I've decided to go child by child. I'll start with Kiera as she's the baby and by default the most interesting.
Kiera just turned nine months old. Yup, nine months. I know, crazy. Too fast. Where did the time go and all that. I don't like to think about it, actually, as in another few months I'll be all out of babies. When Kiera was five months, she began to push up onto her hands and knees, which was quickly followed by the standard rock-back-and-forth that precedes crawling. Oh goodness, we all said. Any time now. She'll be an early crawler, no doubt. She's so strong for her age (even her doctor said this).....................................
She finally started crawling a couple of weeks ago. She spent FOUR MONTHS rocking, belly flopping, dragging, and rolling herself around. For those in the yoga "know", she developed a mean downward facing dog. Even when she did start really crawling, she was very slow and tentative, alternating between crawls and flops-especially once she hit the hardwood. And she wouldn't follow me--if she really wanted something, she'd just flop down and cry.

She loves seeing her brother and sister when she wakes up-she doesn't look it here, but I promise, she was happy.

I have always said that she is a person that requires a strong motivation to persue a task or accomplishment. I think that, until recently, she just didn't see the point. She couldn't go very fast, didn't see a need to be anywhere but where she was, and she has these nifty giants who will carry her anywhere she does need to go-so why put forth effort that can be better spent picking miniscule specks of junk out of the carpet? Cause that there is an important endeavor.
Five days ago she found her motiviation. I don't know what it was, I think she may just have realized there's LOTS of places to pick miniscule bits of junk from--maybe she finally got the carpet thoroughly picked and needed greener pastured. Maybe she realized if she chases me, it's a lot harder for me to put off her requests. Perhaps she finally felt she could employ enough speed to make it fun. Regardless, five days ago she made up her mind-and got FAST. In the space of the last five days she has explored more of the house than the rest of her life combined (independently, that is), along with learning to pull up (she did it by accident several weeks ago and didn't see fit to repeat the process until now), cruise along furniture, and push anything mobile across the floor (toys, highchair, books, her piano, people). Oh, and she's decided the stairs look like fun, too.
So in the space of five days we have gone from "how cute, she's finally trying to crawl" to "Kiera come back here! Get Down! Stop pushing that! Let go of the cat!"
And oh, is she proud.

Immediately after she very stealthily consumed a quarter of a blue crayon. The tear is because I took it away.

She's also eating anything we put in front of her (and few things we don't...no nut allergies here!) and enjoying clucking her tongue. At the moment she's standing at the toybox banging away on the lid and clucking along, and blowing raspberries--I think she's composing her first song.
She's sweet and playful, funny and smart (when we ask for hugs and kisses, she complies-she has said several words and can repeat even more when she so chooses) and she sleeps like poo at night--but that's an entirely different post.

Whilst suffering from a high fever but still trying to play, she crashed

Random things....

• Garrett can read. He started learning in October, and is now probably at a 2nd grade level.
• Morgan wears dancing clothes all the time-even if she's freezing. When we watched the US figure skating championships, she donned her dancing clothes, grabbed a baby doll (it was the partners'), and spent about an hour "icing" around the living room. "But Mommy, we can't really skate because there's no ice in our living room."
• Yesterday on the way home from the zoo, Kiera started laughing. Hysterically. She laughed the whole rest of the way home, about 15 minutes. I have no idea why.
• I have rose bushes and climbing vines waiting to be planted. They've been waiting for 3 years.
• It's raining.
• I am having a difficult time not obsessively over-planning our upcoming Disneyland trip. At least I don't write daily schedules anymore.
• Troy is working today, and it's Saturday. That stinks.
• Kiera just woke up and she's only been asleep 1/2 hour. That also stinks.
• Last night we had beans and cornbread for dinner. One of my top 5 favorite meals, and costs less than $5 to make.
• Last night I dreamt that I ate a plate of spaghetti (not gluten-free), and when I realized what I had done, I got really scared. This is wierd because we've been gluten-free for so long I don't even think about it that much-and I never accidentally eat something with wheat in it.
• Kiera will turn 8 months while we're in CA-that makes me a little sad. Like she'll officially be a big baby instead of a little baby.
• Last night when I asked Morgan what she would like to do while the boys played Mario Bros, she immediately said, "Go upstairs and watch a movie with you and eat popcorn." So we did.
• I need to get to Costco and buy a couple grafted fruit trees before they are all gone.
• I also need to send in the rebates for our new cell phones.
• I might get to attend a homebirth in early March, if the mom is willing to wait for me to get back from DLand.
• Eucalyptus oil, diluted in olive oil, is the best cough supressant I've found.
• Troy overcame enormous odds to earn a bonus for his January performance at work.
• I have a new chocolate pie recipe that's super easy, not too unhealthy, and incredibley yummy. I may need to make it tonight.
• Garrett is fantastic at taking care of Kiera, and she loves it when he does. I have to remind myself he's only 6 and not leave her entirely in his care, as much as he wants me to. Right now he's helping her try to go back to sleep. Oh, wait, nope-they're in there playing. Oh well, they're both happy. He says she wants to get up and watch the movie with him. She has a huge smile, which I take to mean she agrees.
• Garlic has been shown in studies to be as potent an antibiotic as many perscriptions types.

That's all.

Holidays? When were the holidays?

As we age we all say the same thing at the same time every year, "wow, I just CAN'T believe how FAST this season has gone by...(say it with me) it just keeps getting faster every year!" Now while I don't necessarily wish to recite this particular litany, I will say this, "holy cow! It is difficult for me to conceptualize the rapidity of this and the last month of last year. I perceived that prior to this particular rotation round the sun, the festivities of the holiday season perhaps were a tad more prolonged." Totally different.

Over the last few weeks much excitement transpired within the walls of our home-Kiera turned the mystical magical 6 months old in December (and will turn 7 months tomorrow!) and mastered the art of sitting up. Since then she has been focused on rockin' out-on her hands and knees that is. We've been saying "she's gonna crawl any day now" for about two weeks. With her it's all about the motivation. She just hasn't found a good enough reason to do it yet. When she does, off she'll go! She's started sampling food, which is a mixed bag--she LOVES eating with us, and loves what she's tried so far (apples, bananas, and sweet potatoes), but unfortunately it doesn't love her. Her tummy is having some issues processing the new foods, and really we should hold off a few more weeks (little known fact-infant digestive tracts aren't finished developing until 9 months)....but I think our little sweetheart might begin to tremble, swell, turn green (baby MMAAAADDDDDDD) and rip out of her diaper if we stopped. She REALLY likes to eat. Luckily she's appeased by small chunks in a mesh pouch/feeder that she can chew and suck on while we eat. ALSO, she cut two new teeth! She now has all four front teeth, and enjoys rubbing them with her tongue and grinding them together (yikes!). Mommy isn't enjoying them as much while Kiera figures out what she can and CAN'T use them for.

Coincidentally, the same day Kiera cut her left upper tooth, Garrett lost his. WEIRD. He is now totally gap-faced on top, missing his opportunity to express his desire for two front teeth by a mere week and a half. Another milestone for big G-he made the decision to cut his hair. For the last couple of years, he has been in charge of his hairstyle-much to Troy's dismay. Sorry hon, you're still the only one who didn't think he looked super-fly with his wavy shag 'do. I sat him down two days before Christmas for a quick trim. Every time I asked if it was short enough, he's say, "it's a little bit short enough." "Does that mean you want it shorter?" "ya, a little bit." We had this exchange so many times I had to finally get out the clippers. The worst part was Troy's smugness-like he had won a battle. See, he has always felt that I pressured G into the shaggy look-but really, he wanted it that way. It was a bonus that I liked it, too. I don't think Troy really believed me every time I said it was his choice--until he came in and saw me wielding the clippers and sniffling. Just one more notch in the "growing up" belt.

Poor Middle Child Morgan. Not a lot going on for her this last month-she had her final dance class for this session, and we got some adorable video of her demonstrating what she'd learned. She still wears her "dancing clothes" whenever she has the opportunity. Her biggest piece of news would probably be the dollhouse she got for Christmas ("Oh look! A dollhouse! A dollhouse that's just for me!). We have a big dollhouse already, one Troy bought for me years ago. Last year we bought her dolls for it, and she's always allowed to play with it, but she knows it's Mommy's tiny house, and she can't do QUITE everything she'd like with it. It was terribly sweet, and a little sad, when her initial exclamations over her dollhouse were followed by a small sigh and, "I guess I can't play with Mommy's anymore." I reassured her that she could indeed still play with mine. Since she started playing with hers, she hasn't given mine a backwards glance.

January is always a tough month for us-recovering from the holidays plus being Troy's biggest "push" month at work, so we see less of him. I have taken on a bit more as well, adding the upper grade theater class to my teaching duties at school. I'm very excited about it, I love working with middle schoolers, but it's a very high-energy class and crew and getting their production of Hood (as in Robin) stage ready is going to take a LOT of work. At least we have until May.

Christmas was awesome, and will require a separate post which I probably won't ever write--but I will say that I haven't encountered many other families that could all reside in one house for 4 days without making each other insane. We had 15 people sleeping in our house, and it was so fun. Thank god for our big old house and its secret rooms-nobody even had to sleep in the living room! It was chaos and noise and mess, but it was worth it to see everyone in their PJ's Christmas morning.

And now we stumble into 2010, still rubbing our eyes and trying to catch up on the sleep we missed finishing off 2009! It just seems to go by faster every year!

Our walk in the wetlands was a little too much for her.

Big G (with his new haircut) displaying his gift for cramming an ungodly amount of frosting on a gingerbread cookie.

Kiera getting the giggles with Auntie Cissa

Morgan marveling at her new dollhouse (it talks and tells her what to do- c-REEE-py)

Playing with her new bumpy balls-she loves these things.

Day before Thanksgiving

It's the day before Thanksgiving--I feel like I should be doing nothing accept preparing for the feast. Unfortunately, between a house is chaos (orginizationally speaking), a week spent fighting a nasty virus as it rampaged its way through the house, school, swimming, preparing for Christmas (yes, already-it's going to be a big one), and working on the upstairs project, it seems a small trifle like a 15 lb turkey just isn't that high on the list.

That hasn't stopped me from making two grocery trips, menu lists, and 7 quarts of brine--which said bird is now bathing in. We just might not get around to cooking the bugger until Saturday or Sunday ;).

I kid. We have been swamped lately, we are indeed exhausted from said swamping, but we are foraging on and will sit down tomorrow to a delectable feast amid our clutter of everday stuff and Christmas decorations. I will spend all day stirring, mashing, roasting, baking, crushing, blending, a small part of the evening eating, and then I will collapse.

Fortunately we all came through the vicious virus and are happy with the knowledge that never again will we suffer through THAT yucky uckiness. Garrett was so dissappointed to miss school Monday, and it was looking like he would miss today as well, since Morgan had a minor relapse--but then a heroic mom from the program volunteered to take responsibility for him is we wanted to drop him off and pick him up. It was so odd, leaving him alone and coming home without him. Strange to think that most parents of kindergartners do that every day. He had a ball (especially since it was ice cream day), and talked non-stop all the way home about everything he did--but ended with, "I wish Morgan had been at school today. She would have thought it was really really fun." So sweet, especially after she had told me on the way to get him (after we'd talked about the fun things we'd done that morning), "I really want Garrett to be with us." I will remember their sweet words tomorrow when they are screaming at one another.

This week has been a real humsinger for Kiera, too. Not only did she have to ferry her way through rivers of snot during her first virus, she's cutting her second tooth today (her first came in 9 days ago). As I type she is asleep in the cradle in the living room, rather than in her bassinet in our bedroom. This is for two reasons-she has just about outgrown the bassinet (sad!), and she kept waking up with teething pain. Two teething tablets, some snuggling, and a few kisses later she seems to be resting much more comfortabley.

And with that I take myself to bed. With one pie down and the stuffing ready for the bird now resting in brine, I will need all my z's to get through the food prep left for tomorrow's feast. Pumpkin cheescake in a ginger-snap crust, YUM!

Too much to do.

I like being active. I like having things to do. I do NOT so much care for things I HAVE to do, or for being busy. Lately we have been very busy. Very very busy. It seemed to come on all at once, too, which is making it that much more difficult to adjust to. For instance, we used to average going out about two times during the week. Now we go out every day. That means getting dressed (in something other than sweats) every single day. That's a lot of clothes. Which becomes a lot of laundry. Which makes us even busier! But alas, we shall adjust-we are in fact getting used to it, but there will always be a smidge of remorse for the pajama days of new family-hood.

The positives of being busy all the time-the kids are really enjoying all the new activities they get to participate in with school and all the new friends they are making. I am enjoying the village feel of our school and the fact that we now know everyone well enough that I can run down the hall without hauling all three kids, so long as there's a parent in the room where I left them. The kids are comfortable enough that it doesn't bother them for me to pop out for a bit, and Kiera just soaks up all the attention the parents give her.

Garrett is taking swim lessons now, in a saltwater pool here in town. He loves it but is still struggling with fear of sinking. It's sadly funny as he is the tallest kid I've seen there (he surprised his teacher by proving he could indeed touch the bottom), but at the beginning of class he clings to the teacher like a toddler (or a cat trying to avoid a bath). It only takes him a few minutes to warm up and be more confident, so I'm sure that by the end of his session he'll be swimming passably well. Morgan is not as excited as the rest of us as she doesn't get to be in the pool, too. But then Saturday rolls around, and she gets to don her dancing dress and shoes for dancing class. And while she often drifts away from the group and does her own thing seemingly ignoring the teacher, at home she demonstrates what she's learning with grace and enthusiasm (meaning she can skip and wiggle with the best of them).

Kiera is rounding the bend to 5 months old, and reached a milestone last night-she sat up! She did it quite well, too, so now all we need to do is find adequate motivation for her to keep doing it. She doesn't keep doing something unless she sees a need for that particular behavior. Take sleeping through the night, for example-she did it for awhile, tried it out, but as she can sleep whenever the heck she feels like it she has decided it really isn't necessary to do so much of it all at once. Last night she was awake for an hour for seemingly no reason. She wasn't asking to eat, wasn't complaining (unless we tried to get her to sleep), just wasn't asleep. Oh, and why is there a reason to keep sucking on a binky when you can use a thumb? And why keep sucking on your own when you can reach Mommy's? Which is apparently much more satisfying.

Oh, and we were finally able to talk her into taking a bottle! She hasn't had one since she was 6 wks. She really didn't like it then, and there was no need to force the issue, so we didn't. Saturday we kept offering (milk in freezer needed to be drank), trying different temps, positions,and nipples, and were finally able to persuade her--though she wasn't pleased. She had a very annoyed look the whole time, a real "WHY are you making me do this? I'll humor you this once, but really folks, this is ridiculous." It tickled the kids though, as they were able to take turns feeding her.

Oh ya! Halloween has happened since our last post! That was lots of fun, spent again with our friends in town who do up their whole yard and scare kids all night (Troy helps). Morgan made a truly beautiful Cinderella, and Garrett a dashing Indiana Jones. Kiera was a lion for about 5 minutes, but she was a very cute lion!

For you, Reina

It has been brought to my attention that the blog is seriously lacking in photos of my adorable offspring. Call it third child syndrome (though in the digital age it isn't due to a lack of pictures, but rather a lack of DOING anything with them...I'll make it up to her). In an attempt to rectify this oversight, I bring you these:

All dressed up for her 3 month pictures. I was trying to get a good smile out of her since we only got one during the actual shoot.

Canoodling on the couch

She does this all the time, anytime she's in a good mood and someone makes eye contact (she made some lady in an elevator's day today)--my sister calls it "the face." She smiles so hard she'll knock herself over once she can sit up. Since this was a month ago and she's had more practice, she does it even bigger. Her noses scrunches all up. It's awesome.

I took a bunch of pics of Morgan in the backyard when the hydrangeas were blooming and Garrett kept cutting them and bringing them to us. This obviously is not a photo of hydrangeas, but I liked it anyway.
Storytime! Ignore the ugly wall-Morgan discovered (via a teensy chip in the paint) that the wall had once been pink. She loves pink. And she can accomplish a lot of paint-peeling when her parents think she's napping. And no, she didn't eat it--it was all in a pile under her bed, actually.

First week of school and 3 months old!

Wow have we had a couple of weeks. Seriously. I mean whoa. It all started with the ceremonial preparations for School. Yup, school. Garrett goes to school now. And coincidentally, so does Morgan. And Kiera. And me. We spent the weekend prior acquiring school supplies, planning activities, and organizing the almighty Backpack. Garrett's backpack is very important to him.

On Sept the 14th (after two phone calls from Troy verifying that we were up and going), the kids and I had our first day of school. One of the rules for enrollment in the HOME Program is that the parents of elementary students remain on campus while the student are in class. We walk them to each class and are encouraged to check on them and help out during lessons. I was a little leery of this commitment, not knowing if the girls would take to spending 4 hours in the preschool room. Morgan was already having issues with not being old enough to attend classes herself, and I could just see myself having to drag her down the hall kicking and screaming. To my surprise, she was invited to join every class she showed an interest in. Even if she just wanted to sit and color. This program is so family oriented, it's awesome. At lunchtime the family room (where the preschool playroom is) fills with families eating lunch together. How many people in our society do that? Even on the weekends-how many families eat dinner together, let alone lunch? We all sit at big tables, Garrett gets to eat with his friends, I get to chat with their moms and dads, everybody oohs and goos over the baby, and Morgan just loves it all. I've lost count of the number of people who have offered me support with my curriculum planning, and I know that when Garrett starts getting invited to parties I'll be totally comfortable sending him because I'll really know these people-rather than dropping him off at a house with adults I've never met before. And they know him-they know his dietary needs, his likes and dislikes, etc. There's such a great sense of community while still being a school--today he had pictures taken for the yearbook, and next month we go on our first field trip.

Oh, and remember how excited I was about the potential that I would someday teach at the program? Well, that someday rolled around two days ago. Garrett's reading and math teacher has decided to go back to school, so she and the program coordinator cornered me last Monday about taking over the math class (I'd have preferred reading, but it was already taken). I hemmed and hawed, they mentioned I'd get paid, I said "SURE!" So now I teach kindergarten math. I started Monday. I arrived at ten to drop G off for reading, all ready to spend the next hour preparing myself and Kiera for class (yup, she stays with me) only to be met at the door by the PC with the news that his new reading teacher had a family emergency and would I mind stepping in? WHY NOT! Between me and another mom, we threw together a pretty decent lesson about "at" words (a-at-cat). I covered that class today as well, since she's still out. At least I had more than 5 minutes to prep for that one. Though Kiera did poop just as we were walking in to start class. I was able to get them started and then leave in them in the care of their PARENTS while I changed her--see the value of the whole family thing? Freakin' awesome.

Speaking of Kiera, she is now a rotund 3 month old. She's mid growth spurt at the moment, and eating like a fiend. She and I will be flying to CA tomorrow night to spend the weekend with my family and to meet my new nephew Jason, who was born on Kiera's 3 month birthday.

Over the last few weeks Kiera has learned how to play. She has figured out what her hands are for and is thrilled to be able to knock her hanging toys around. Today she tried to grab the logo of my shirt. She flows over with grins and dimples, and has charmed the socks off anyone who talks to her as she does not discriminate and will smile and coo at anyone who stops to talk to her. It's so interesting to watch her development as we have a family friend that is just a few weeks older than Kiera. We spent the afternoon with her (and her family) a few weeks ago, and I marveled at how mature she was. Much more so than Kiera-so interactive with her environment and capable with her hands. Now Kiera has reached the age B was then, and is suddenly showing all the same skills--a testament to how fast babies learn and grow! I was sure she wouldn't get that far that quickly! How amazing little humans are.

And now I must go as it is time to make dinner, which is Kiera's cue to cry. Never fail, no matter what time I do it, or how occupied she is at the time (in this case she was sound asleep) she knows. Her timing is impeccable.

Growing Up

Garrett is starting school. I keep saying it, hoping it will sound less like my first baby is becoming an independent person. It doesn't sound like that yet. He's starting school. He is so beyond excited-we all are. Well, not Morgan. She doesn't see why she can't go, to. We went and visited the facility today-all four classrooms and one hallway of it. It's run down, low budget, and feels wonderful. There is no negative energy-people bring their children there because they WANT to, and not because they have to.
Let me explain.
I am, among other things, a public school teacher. It has always been my plan to return to teaching when my children are all in school. As a public school teacher, I feel that it is VERY important to support public education-it is a system whose success is directly tied to its participants--no students, no money, no programs. I have always intended to send my children to public school.
I am, first and foremost, a mother. I cannot in good conscience drop off my child and drive away knowing that he will 1. be forced to work almost solely off of dittoed worksheets, 2. be working below his skill level and as a result not recieve the same level of attention as his classmates, 3. be crammed into a room with 30 other kids and one teacher, 4. be taught using methods and models that are inneffective and dumb and 5. not be allowed recess (which has been shown time and again to be necessary for focus and success in the classroom). Plus, I'd really miss him. And I'd have to wake everybody up early to drop him off. Yuck.
So this left Troy and I in a difficult position-we both had our reasons for wanting Garrett in public school. I had my reasons for wanting to homeschool. Troy saw no allure in homeschooling. Through much soul-searching and discussion, we both agreed that for Garrett to be successful and have the best chance of enjoying his education, homeschool was the best option. Then I found the HOME Program.
HOME is an alternative public school, technically. I see it more as a complimentary homeschool coop--all the parents participate (I can go to his classes with him if I want), different ages are grouped together (K-3, for example), and we get to pick any courses we want. He will attend HOME two days a week and take Math, Art, Science, and PE classes-and have a recess!! And music lessons! And Theater! This tiny little program, in its tiny little building, packs more curriculum choices than any other school in our district--with it's one hallway and chipped paint, it accomplishes more for its students than big schools full of fancy accessories. There's even a preschool play area for Morgan to use while he's in class, as the parents are ENCOURAGED to remain on campus while their student is in class. This way teachers don't have to deal with discipline issues or behavioral problems-the teacher is never taken away from teaching because the parents will be called to deal with it. Everyone helps. And as an added bonus for me, I can teach! I can contribute my volunteer time in the upper level Language classes-there's a creative writing class being offered while Garrett is in Science on Wed. that I can work in, and even have Kiera with me. Eventually I could even join the staff, but only have to work a couple days a week. I am soooo excited about this. I can scratch my teaching itch in an environment that is totally flexible, allows me to keep my children close, and allows me to continue my doula work. Seriously, aside from the fact that this is all going to keep us very busy, it's, like, the best scenario ever.
So what that means is that while we are homeschooling Garrett he will still get to "go to school." He'll go on field trips, participate in science fairs, have school performances, make friends, work with certified teachers (besides me), but still be primarily taught at home where we can cater his education to his particular needs and learning style. AWE-SOME. Plus his friend Mira is entering the same program. Who wouldn't be psyched about THAT? AND his classes won't start until the 14th, which gives me a little more time to get my act together before I have to become a mom whose kid goes to SCHOOL.

Planting KirMir

There are parts of being a parent I love. There are parts I absolutely hate. There are things that break my heart, things that I grow from, things that make me proud and happy and things that I wish I never had to deal with. There are things I wouldn't want to live without.
And then there are the things that are all of the above.
Sassy had six kittens. I wrote about them when they were born. Last week they turned one month old, and are all the chubby rolly-polly cuteness one would expect. The first one born, the first to open his eyes, the boldest and the tiniest, was KirMir.
Garrett developed an affinity for KirMir from day one. "I like him best because he's the tiniest and cutest. I think he needs me." He named him KirMir two weeks ago. It's a combination of Kiera (his sister) and Mira (a best friend), two people he loves. He never really wanted to play with the other kittens, and left the naming of them up to Morgan (so far we have Kip, Swimming Kitten, and Shane). KirMir had us worried in the beginning. As the runt he had to compete harder for food, and for a couple of days he wasn't doing very well-then he rallied, fought harder, held his own, and started growing. Through the last month we have dealt with a variety of kitty issues, from problems nursing (Sassy got sore and just didn't want to) to diarrhea to not wanting to use the litter box, but none of it affected KirMir.
This last weekend I was worried about Sassy and the kittens-she and at least one of the babies were having poop problems and I wasn't sure we should leave them alone for two days while we went to visit family. But by Friday they seemed to be doing better, and the little orange guy (still nameless) that had been worrying me seemed fine, so we went. Upon our return Sunday night we were greeted by a pile of fluffy-ness asleep on the living room rug, cute and cuddly and purring, and totally not supposed to be there. We had put up a baby gate to keep them in the bathroom and hallway which they had apparently had no problem climbing. Other than that, all was well and the kids were happy to play with their fuzzy friends Monday morning.
Monday afternoon I noticed the KirMir was crying-a lot. He was traveling around the house with the others (they move in a clump) but seemed to be having a tough time keeping up. I thought maybe he was hungry and tried to coax him into eating some moist food, which he refused. I watched him for a bit, but he seemed fine-though not as active as his brothers. A few hours later, I noticed he wasn't walking around at all, and when I picked him up I realized he was very skinny. He had completely lost his fat little belly, and I could see his hip bones. At this point I tracked down Sassy and held her in my lap so he could nurse without competition, which he did for quite awhile. After that he perked up, and I told Troy we needed to make sure to do that several more times before bed.
Not one hour later, I was watching Morgan play on the floor and to my absolute horror, I saw KirMir laying behind her, curled in an unnatural position and not moving. I immediately scooped him up and away, sure he was dead-until he started yowling at me. I breathed a sigh of relief, and sat down again with him in my lap. After awhile it was obvious that he was failing. His breathing was shallow, his respiratory rate depressed, and he didn't move except to cry when we shifted him. He barely filled my palm.
How do you deal with death? How does any parent know the right way to tell their child that their beloved creature is going to die? How can a mother stay calm, reassuring, soothing, when she herself is holding back tears for the heartbreak she is about to inflict on her son?
We have always been open with the kids about death. I feel very strongly that being honest is best; I have seen many children harmed by their guardians trying to hide death, or lie about it, in the name of protecting them. They grow up not knowing how to grieve and heal. Children are capable of handling difficult situations much better than adults sometimes--certainly better than they are given credit for--but that doesn't make it painless. For anyone. How were we to simultaneously break and mend our little boy's heart?
We called Garrett to us. We showed him KirMir, told him he was sick. Garrett watched him for a minute, and then asked very pragmatically if he was going to die. We said probably. We asked if he would like to hold him, and keep him warm. Garrett took him into his lap, wrapped in his shirt. He stroked him, kissed him, whispered things to him. When it was time for bed we took KirMir back and held him ourselves. I went to bed with Kiera, Troy continued to hold him. Unable to sleep, I got up to help Troy round up the babies and Sassy for the night. Had I not had the reality of a 2 month old limiting my sleep already, I would have stayed up holding him. Troy asked what to do if KirMir was gone in the morning. Back in bed, I still couldn't sleep.
Part of me wanted to be heroic and rescue him. The realistic side of me knew this baby would die during the night. There was nothing anyone could do-it had happened so quickly, and he was so tiny, even a vet wouldn't have tried to save him. He would have died on a cold metal table, alone. At least this way he was with his family, a brother curled on either side, trying to keep him warm.
At 4:30 AM, after feeding Kiera and putting her back down, I went to check on KirMir. He was alone on the bathroom floor, having been removed from the warm bed of his brothers by Sassy. His body was frigid and already stiff. She had taken him away from the others to protect them in case he had been ill. I tenderly scooped him up and placed him in the box we'd found for him. I set him in a safe place, and then went back to bed. What else could I do? Thinking of what the morning would bring, I cried.
Garrett always wakes up first. He was on the couch playing a game. I sat down with him, took his hand. "Did KirMir die?" "Yes." "Oh. I went in to see if he'd died, but he wasn't there." "I put him somewhere safe." "Can I see him?"
I got the box and we sat with it in our laps. I explained that KirMir would feel cold, and a little stiff. He wouldn't move, he wouldn't meow. Garrett opened the box, gazed at his friend; "He doesn't look dead." He petted him, felt that he was different. "Can I hold him?" He sat with KirMir in his lap. "My body is trying to make me cry." "Then cry." "I don't want to."
Periodically throughout the day he would ask me questions about KirMir, and I answered him as tenderly and honestly as I could. We made plans for burying him in the yard after Troy got home. He would frantically wipe his eyes as we talked, refusing to let his tears come.
Last night we said good-bye to KirMir, "planting" him at the foot of the Hawthorne tree. Garrett picked the spot. A place he would have liked to play with KirMir. He was excited to dig the hole, excited to carry the little box. Positions of honor, I think. Just before we began to fill the hole, I looked down at Garrett and saw his excitement had gone. His head was bent--a tear dripped from his nose. He was nearly overwhelmed, but fought hard to keep control. A minute later, he was ready to cover his friend.
Back in the house we began to clean up dinner. I peeked into the living room and saw Garrett sitting alone on the couch. I went to sit beside him and my brave little boy, so bent on grown up composure, broke down in sobs. Horrible, gut-wrenching sobs. He wrapped himself around me and together we poured out our hearts for KirMir and for him. Troy came to join us, then Morgan, and as a family we held one another as Garrett finally let himself cry.
As a parent, this was one of those full-spectrum experiences. I'll never wish it hadn't happened, because we all learned from it. I'll always hate it because we were all hurt by it. I'm glad we didn't try to hide it from the kids, because it is helping them understand how to handle loss before they lose something more important. I hate that my babies were in pain and I couldn't make it go away. It's good for them to see that Mommy and Daddy aren't all powerful. It's bad for them to see that Mommy and Daddy aren't all-powerful. In the long run it will have a positive effect on them as they grow up. Right now it's taken away a little piece of their innocence. It is life, and it is hard. But it is life, and mostly life is good.
Strange that something so tiny, with us for such a short time, could affect our lives so much. Thank you KirMir, for being our friend. Garrett wishes he could have seen you grow big. But while you were small, you made a big impact on the life of a little boy (and his mom).